Only the lonely know the way I feel tonight
Only the lonely know this feeling’s not right.
Only the truly lonely know what it is like to be lonely. Week after week loneliness hangs
over them like an impenetrable fog. Around the world the problem of loneliness is
increasing rapidly and we are just waking up to the severity of the problem. In the UK the
government has recently established a new portfolio to be known as “The Ministry for
Loneliness.”
The poet John Donne said “I am an island entire of itself.” He wrote this around 1650 but
he wasn’t talking about loneliness but of being complete in oneself. Almost four hundred
years later an increasing percentage of planet Earth’s population is feeling isolated.Cut-
off. Lonely. Estranged. The Irish might say (in Gaelic) “A Dhia, ta bron orm.” (God , I am
so sad”).
Is the world withdrawing from us or are we withdrawing from it? The question is relevant
but can’t be answered with any certainty yet the feeling of loneliness in our society is
accelerating like we are on a downhill ski jump and we don’t know how to land.
There was probably a need for a service such as Lifeline many years ago but it didn’t appear
# Ten percent of Australian adults feel lonely all the time. An additional seventeen percent
feel lonely most of the time.
# In Australia we now have less friends than ever before and 83 per cent believe
loneliness is increasing in this country. And for 25 per cent loneliness is a regular part of
life.
# In most Western countries these figures are much the same
# In Japan this loneliness plague has become an epidemic. About 4000 die alone every
week (that’s almost 600 a day) and increasing as the population ages and becomes more
isolated. They even have a new word for it. It is known as “Kodakushi” or the “lonely
deaths”.
# In the United States the proportion of people who say they feel lonely has doubled to
forty percent since the 1980s.
What causes loneliness is not clear and those causes differ in the young from the old. In
older people loneliness tends to be caused by the breakdown in relationships, or as one
senior said, “Your world dies before you do”. How strong we feel when we know we are
loved yet how fragile we feel when we are without love or any human warmth.
What is it that stops anybody from reaching out across the void for human contact? We
don’t know but there is some evidence that the beginning of loneliness lies in our early
days as a species. Rejection from the pack was a fate as certain as death. So we stayed
with the pack, surrounded by people we knew all our lives
What prevents a person from opening up to their relatives or friends or neighbours these
days and asking for help or regular contact? Only 30 per cent of people know their
neighbours well enough to feel comfortable discussing personal issues. One social
demographer, Scott McCrindle, attributes the increasing isolation to the rise in renting.
Approximately a third of people in our capital cities rent. Renters move more frequently
and don’t connect with neighbours or the surrounding community. But, of course, it’s not
simply renters changing our lives. Technology is a major part of the impasse. We don’t go
to the letterbox daily anymore where we used to nod to neighbours or passers-by and we
rarely stroll to the local milk bar where we usually met school
friends or neighbours. Even our motor cars add to the isolation as
we pull up to our homes and electronically open the gates or
garage doors. And when was the last time you stopped to admire a
garden and engage with an owner?
A study by Lifeline revealed Millennials are suffering the most with fifty five per cent saying
they feel disconnected from society, compared with just twenty four per cent with Baby
Boomers. Is it time Millennials woke up that having “friends” on the internet is not
connecting at all and they are all heading for lonely street in a hurry. Will “Lonely Deaths”
become our biggest killer in the near future? How many friends will be attending funerals
as Millennials start dying? It is a very troubling thought. Perhaps we should run classes on
how to be a good friend and after you have achieved ten friends you get a diploma which
you can talk about and more people will take the class as a result! Is anyone running
classes on “How to be a friend?” And I’ve just realised why Dale Carnegie’s book “How to
win friends and influence people” is back on the best seller list.
Now I firmly believe that there is no such thing as “should”. “You should do this” or “You
should try that”. No, you shouldn’t! But if loneliness is invading your life then you have to
take steps to change habits. No one is going to do it for you. Start talking (to anyone). Start
walking around the block then increase it to walks around your suburb. Start smiling to
people as you walk. Better still get a dog and walk together and very soon you’ll be talking
to other dog owners all over your suburb. And the added bonus is your dog will love you
more than a fellow human ever will!
Perhaps the best advice is the simple aphorism, “Before you can make friends you first
have to be a friend”.
John Wilson, September 2018
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