All around the world lighthouses have saved countless
thousands of shipwrecks and millions of lives over
hundreds of years. Built on reefs and islands and rocky
points in some of the wildest and most inhospitable
coastlines on earth, these lighthouses warn Captains
and their ships away from destruction and drowning.
Lighthouses are needed by all of us as we navigate our
lives, as we try to avoid accidents and reach our
destinations safely. Finding or seeing the guiding lights
isn’t difficult but most of us don’t look for help or don’t
know how to find it.
“A man needs to know”, written by Walter Brennan,
is a wonderful beacon.
A man needs to know that he’s bad and he’s good,
He can be what he hopes, he can be understood.
A man needs to feel he can conquer a fall,
For a man who can kneel has the strength to stand tall.
A man needs to know he can share and confide,
Even though he’s frightened way down deep inside.
For sometimes a man must sink terribly low,
Before he discovers how high he can go.
A man needs to know at the end of his rope,
He can handle his fears; he can build on his hope.
A man must believe he can change when he must,
He can learn to receive; he can learn how to trust.
And why must a man feel afraid and alone,
When each of us has the same fears of his own.
For sometimes a man must sink terribly low,
Before he can discover how high he can go.
A man has to live when it’s painful to try,
For a man needs to laugh and a man needs to cry.
A man has a need to strive and prevail,
He must learn to succeed and find why he failed.
To carry his crown and to fill-up his cup,
Sometimes he drops down so that he can reach up.
For sometimes a man must sink terribly low,
Before he discovers how high he can go.
Then there is the parable of Will, a nine year old whose father abandoned his Mum
two years earlier. Will was angry and would lash out at others with hurtful words.
He once told his mum, “Now I can see why Dad left you!”
Unable to cope with his outbursts of cruelty, she sent him to spend the summer holidays
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with his grandparents. His grandfather’s strategy was to make him go into the garage and
hammer a 50mm nail into a 100mm x100mm board each time he said a mean or nasty
thing. For a small boy, this was a major task but he couldn’t return until the nail was all the
way in. After about ten trips to the garage, Will began to be more cautious about his
words. Eventually, he even apologised for all the bad things he’d said.
That’s when his Grandmother came in. She made him bring in the board filled with nails
and told him to pull them all out. This was even harder than pounding them in, but after a
huge struggle, he did it.
His Gran’ hugged him and said, ‘I appreciate your apology and, of course, I forgive you
because I love you but I want you to know an apology is like pulling out one of those nails.
Look at the board. The holes are still there. The board will never be the same. I know your
Dad put a hole in you, but please don’t put holes in other people; you are better than that.”
A fourth-grade teacher recently told me how she tells this story to her class at the
beginning of the term and uses it throughout the year. When she comes across a child
saying or doing a mean or unkind thing, she will say, “Did you put a nail in someone?”
Then follow it with, “Did you take it out?”
She says her students always know what she is talking about and recognise what they did
was wrong, which isn’t always the case if she simply asks the child what happened (which
usually results in a string of blaming everyone else). She urges her students not to use the
easy and automatic “That’s all right” after an apology because usually what was done was
not all right and the person saying it, rightfully, doesn’t feel it was all right. She tells her
class to say “I accept your apology” or “I forgive you” instead
The teacher also uses the story to help her kids understand difficult family matters outside
of the classroom. She tells them some people will never take out the nails they’ve
hammered into the children, but everyone has the power to pull them out themselves and
get on with their life rather than let others rule them.
She told me, “The story is simple but the message is powerful- especially when reinforced
with: ‘you’re better than that’!”
Another lighthouse to guide us on our way is our use of language. Jim Rohn talks
about motivation and has done so for 30 years but his lesson on the subtlety of
language has never left me. I call it the Lighthouse of language.
“I have found that sometimes the subtle difference in our attitude, which of course can
make a major difference in our future, can be as simple as the language we use. It can
make a difference in how you talk to yourself or to others. Make a decision to quit saying
what you don’t want and to start saying what you do want. Believe the best, hope for the
best and move toward the best.
A few examples could be, instead of saying “what if someone doesn’t respond?’ you start
saying, “What if they do respond?’’ Instead of saying “What if someone says no?” you say
“What if someone says yes?” Instead of “What if they start and quit?” you say “what if they
start and stay?” Or instead of “What if it doesn’t work out?” you say “what if it does work
out?” and the list goes on and on.
When you start thinking and stating what you really want then your mind automatically
shifts and pulls you in that direction. And sometimes it can be that simple, just a little
twist in vocabulary that illustrates your attitude and philosophy.
Our language can also affect how others perform and behave around us. A teenager says
to a parent, “I need $10.” If the parent says “That kind of language doesn’t work here.
We’ve got enough money but that’s not how you get $10.” So then you teach your
teenager to ask, “How can I earn $10?” There is magic in words. You just have to learn
those words. If you just understand these simple principles, teaching them to a teenager
(or adult) is sometimes just a matter of language. It’s like having an investment account
instead of a savings account. Simple language, but so important. It’s easy to stumble
through life and not learn these simple rules. Then you have to put up with all the lack and
the challenges that arise because you haven’t read the book, or listened to the CD or
gone to class or you haven’t studied your language. You have to be willing to search so
that you can find.
And the good news is that it only takes a few years and you can start this process at any
time. Go on an intensive, accelerated personal- development curve. Learn the disciplines.
Learn how to apply them. The rewards are there if you are willing to pay the price with
time and effort. And you might find that your language will have a great impact on your
attitude, actions and results whether it’s in the beginning to get you started or in the middle
to keep you on track.
“The Nightingale Lighthouse”
When I was a twelve year old kid there was a guy on local radio who had the deepest,
richest voice I had ever heard and now fifty years later it is still the best story–telling voice
ever recorded. I have listened to Earl Nightingale tell his stories, and impart his wisdom,
all my life. But one fable titled “That’s Good” resonates to this day because of its moral.
“Satan was having a sale of his wares and on display were the rapier of jealousy, the
dagger of fear, and the strangling noose of hatred. Each had its own high price. But
standing alone was a worn and battered wedge. This was the devil’s most prized
possession and it was not for sale, for with it alone, he could stay in business...it was the
wedge of discouragement.
Why did the devil value it so highly and why wouldn’t he sell this old wedge of
discouragement? Makes you think, doesn’t it? He prized discouragement because of its
enfeebling effect. Hatred, fear or jealousy may lead a person to act unwisely, to fight, or to
run. But at least they act. Discouragement on the other hand, hurts the person more. It
causes the person to sit down, pity themselves and do nothing. We have to realise that
discouragement is a form of self-pity and when we recognise that we can take stock of our
situation and act.
The answer to discouragement then is intelligent action. Get rid of discouragement before
it gets rid of you. The devil might not survive without his priceless wedge...but we can.
So look for these “lighthouses of life” and don’t be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking
chances that we learn to be brave.
John A Wilson, February 2016
(Dedicated to Dylan Morley, Jordan Marsden, Jordan Vico and Lachlan Parry who are yet
to discover how high they can climb.)
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